Today I feel really good. Yesterday I did not.
I've been having a rough time lately. On top of parenting, helping my ailing mother, and regular work, relationships and life, I've had a fractured 5th metatarsal, shoulder impingement, F*!%ng insomnia and headaches again, and my whole household has been sick with one thing or another since school started. 3 colds in a row! This last one gifted us with scary high fevers in my daughter, and cold sweats/body aches for me as well.
It's a lot. Too much. I've been a zombie. Getting the bare minimum done and trying hard, but also giving myself the grace and permission to operate at less than full capacity without guilt.
What's gotten me through is acceptance. This is where we're at right now. All of this stuff is HARD. But I will heal, I will recover.
BUT I had to step back from an early morning practice that I'd committed to. I went thorugh a period fo denial and anger about this before accepting it. But this time, I let myself be angry and sad. I didn't fight it. eventually, it passed. I had to accept another stint of heat and serve food and culvers trips.
I let myself play some mindless computer games as an escape, even though i knew I could use the time better for reading or meditation. I wasn't motivated to do those things. it's part of low level depression. So I gave myself a break and played the computer games. I also managed to make soup during this time, so ... That's a win! I never cook good stuff, but I want to do this more, and I did it this week this one time. My hubs and I did it together, and that was enough.
Finally today I'm feeling better from my cold (mostly). I got up and joined my friends for the early morning practice. I felt SO GREAT after that! I had a good breakfast, I took my meds and vitamins.
Hazel went to school. I got my computer together before taking Hazel to school and went straight form there to do office work at the coffee shop. I LOVE coffee shop working and I haven't done it in months. Another win.
I also remembered some advice for ADHD that we should do the fun thing first instead of trying to save it as a reward. ADHD people do not respond to rewards after a task as motivation. So I gave myself the gift of writing this "post of joy" before the office work. and I WILL do that office work after this! I'm going to get on the body doubling group and find a work buddy.
I know that I'm heading into a period of relative high, and that many more highs mediums and lows are coming, and I'll get through them too. The lows are part of life. I dislike how it slows me down sometimes but accepting and rolling with it are easier than fighting it and being angry. Fighting it means admonishing myself in my head, and being mad about all things I cannot manage to do. Being kind to myself during the low feels so much better than trying to "whip myself into shape"
This week I pledge to get my workouts back on track. I'm going to help my Mom for a few hours today, and pick Hazel up form school on time. And that is enough. I'll count my blessings that I have a schedule that allows me to do office work, mom help and Hazel time on Thursdays. tomorrow I'll see a bunch of clients and work hard. The weekend will have some fun moments. I'll continue to go to bed by 10pm.
Hang in there everyone. You can do it. Some days your 100% will be 70% or 20% of what it was yesterday and that is OK. You're doing your best, and it's enough. You cannot do more than you're doing. Love yourself for how hard you're trying. Cry when you need to. smile when you can.
Yogic practices and buddhist philosophy are the things that have gotten me through. I am so grateful for them.